A Tantrum

The fifth book of the bible is named Deuteronomy, and it’s boring as hell, but it’s one of the most important books in the bible because it substantiates the “deep time” aspect of humanity, stating “not only do I and my cohort believe in this book” but the lineage of these ideas spans back into time, making the statements all the truer since they are backed by the uncountable many of the past. Homer’s Iliad does this by naming over 600 characters.

I have done a similar thing with this paper in an attempt to show that the argument I am making, chiefly, that I have been working hard

In my junior year of high school I was a three sport varsity athlete and I began going to El Paso Community College. It was 2007. I took a history class and an economics class.

I continued going to college while in high school (this was normal at my high school), and graduated in 2009 with 16 college credit hours (not exactly a prodigy, but not too shabby either). My first semester away from home began in August 2009 when I went to New Mexico State. I was majoring in communications and I was also invited to try out for their Division I baseball team (this was my true focus at the time).

I didn’t do well enough in school or baseball that semester to stay away from home. I failed two classes and got two Cs.

The next three semesters I spent in my hometown playing baseball at the local community college. I left there with 65 college credits, and headed back to New Mexico State. I got my (then girlfriend) ex-wife pregnant and moved back to El Paso. At this point, major schools only accept 60 hrs of credit transfer… so that’s what I get to keep if I move.

Working, going to school, and being a good father proved to be too large a load for me, I dropped out of UTEP to work full time as a stainless-steel worker.

While working as a stainless steel worker I also worked second jobs (bartending, carpet cleaning, waiting tables, janitor, etc…).

When my son turned 3 he was diagnosed with Autism and I realized I was going to need more money if he was going to have access to necessary, life changing, therapies. This proved to be completely accurate as El Paso, Texas, to this day does not have anywhere near the services necessary to care for the population of nearly a million people.

I went back to EPCC for trade school and became certified to work as an EMT/Firefighter. I worked as an EMT/firefighter for 3 years. I suffered a training injury in 2016 while at the training academy (my spine was crushed like an accordion), but was able to graduate with honors, despite my injury necessitating an eventual spine surgery. My career was plagued with pain and physical waxing and waning. I eventually was able to recover and become a heavyweight boxer for the FD team, winning the Battle of the Badges 2017 heavyweight bout against a prison guard 10 years and 30 pounds my senior.

After joining the fire department and having access to the medical centers available in my area it became clear to me that I needed to go somewhere else if we were going to continue to grow.

My wife didn’t agree and we got a divorce.

My very first girlfriend, throwback to 2007 (again), and a lifelong friend reached out to me after hearing about my separation, and began talking to me about Arizona’s wonderful mental/behavioral health programs. She was a life coach for at-risk youth at that time, she now works at the governor’s office, so she would know.

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I moved to Arizona for many reasons, but the main reason is the availability of services for special needs children. My (now wife) lifelong friend being here and being an active member of the thriving behavioral health community in Arizona was a great driving force as well. I began going to Arizona State my last months as a fireman in El Paso…online. I was unable to get past the math hurdle…I needed to take two remedial math courses. I failed calculus II and statistics (twice), I’ve changed my major from Communications to creative writing… I went to trade school for biochemistry, psychology… and now finally I am trying to change my degree to ANYTHING THAT WILL LET ME OUT OF THIS TRAP!

I want to go to grad school; I want to build giant beautiful systems to change the world; I want to write a book; but I am stuck. I am burdened by the hellish bureaucratic BOG that the coronavirus has created in mid- 2020… I am PHYSICALLY unable to make sense of online school and that is all that is available.

After making some 40 phone call attempts I was ready to go to the university, kick in the doors and demand a god damned college degree so I can start PAYING for my loans instead of accruing more debts, I was ready to storm some fucking castle somewhere…

My wife recommended that I do something else.

“You catch more flies with honey, babe, turning into a giant angry monkey doesn’t help anything…”, She’s right.

So here is my honeytrap, rather than shooting up the place, (a mistake that many psychotic young males such as myself have made, see… Chicago, Miami nightclub, Las Vegas, my neighbors down the road in El Paso at the Walmart, Dayton, Virginia tech, Oklahoma City, 9/11… etcetera. Just to name those who are only at the tip of my brain) I decided maybe it would be useful to write a letter for help and provide some sort of background.

I suppose my point is this…

I have “spent” (borrowed money or taken loans) well over 100k on “higher education”

82k to Asu.

25k to EPCC

6k to UTEP

15k to NMSU

20k to Cathedral High School

…

All for pure failure in academia.

In baseball, basketball, and football I was able to do (more or less) what I wanted and was “successful”, to the degree that most serious enthusiasts would agree with me.

At every company I’ve worked for I was groomed for ownership.

I made partner with my current company.

I was a badass fireman.

I’m a great dad.

Why can’t I just “be in the world” as I am? I’ve tried (and also tried to circumvent) the school system. It won’t let me go and is sucking me dry. People destroy oppressive institutions with violence all the time, But I’m choosing to write…and beg for something different.

How is it possible, that after ALL this time, even if I WERE a total dipshit, that I have been unable to complete some kind of degree… shouldn’t I have AT LEAST been able to buy my way in over time, like the celebrities dipshit kids do or is the ‘one lump sum’ also a prerequisite?

Or maybe my grandpa is right. Maybe I’m just lazy and I should pull myself up by the bootstraps.

It may be interesting to add that my millennial friends all thought I had a great point… the boomers who read it called it a tantrum.

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